Despite My Label, I Cry Too

My indoor season as an unattached athlete ended, and it was a whirlwind of ups and downs. Today I particularly want to look at the downs. I don’t want to do this to wallow in self pity but to acknowledge what needs to change or be addressed for the future. During my time as a graduate student, I have developed an increased interest in college students and mental health.

My indoor season started great in January but sometime around the end of January middle of February things went downhill. Anxiety was at a high. So high I couldn’t make it through workout weeks. So high I cried at the starting line at practice. So high I was angry at everyone for everything. There was a night where for hours I cried. I don’t mean teared up, I mean ugly Kim Kardashian cried. Mucus out the nose holding myself down on my knees cried. Normally I am confident but that time I was jealous and insecure. I could see everyone else succeed but could not see my own progress. I was stuck and angry. And what made it all worse was I felt no one cared.

Now that I am out of what I called that ‘dark time,’ I did a little bit of research. According to National Institute of Mental Health depression is common for college students. Of course every college student goes through tough times. We all have that one class that makes you contemplate your whole existence. But, when those feelings of frustration, sadness, indifference and other emotions last almost daily and for 2 weeks or more, NIMH indicates these are signs of depression.

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Depression explained by NIMH can come in different levels but regardless of the level, having depression doesn’t make you a problem. I had to tell myself this after speaking with a friend who clearly had no idea what I was going through. My friend talked to me about a woman they knew before me and described her a crazy. I asked “what made her crazy?” My friend proceeds to explain how she was strange and emotionally unstable. Little did my friend know, I was going through similar problems.

Maybe I didn’t look “crazy.” Maybe I didn’t wear enough black and recite enough Edgar Allan Poe to show my sadness. Maybe people couldn’t see how hurt I was because I was a “strong independent black woman” in the making and those type of women don’t cry. No. We raise our fists above our Angela Davis afros reciting Maya Angelo poetry in Beyoncé formation. But we don’t cry. Maybe my armor of muscles from years of track is assumed to block sadness. In the words of arnold “I pick thing up and put them down.” But a woman as strong as me does not cry. Athletes only cry when they lose a championship. Maybe I was too educated to cry. I should be grateful I am in an institution at all, and I am, but college is not easy. College kids don’t cry. We get drunk on Thursdays and sleep in class to deal with our problems. But we don’t cry. All of these labels designed to help people know me better have led to me being more misunderstood because people couldnt look past the label.

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There are various sites that are listed to recognize signs for depression for yourself or someone you know. I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but being the child of a psychiatrist and having talked to someone close to me, recognizing when something is wrong and letting someone know is important.

I contemplated whether I should post this. There is someone who is maybe rolling their eyes or scoffing at this post. There is probably someone else who just deleted my name from their contacts because they don’t want to associate with “the crazy girl.” But I wrote this because maybe there is someone who is reading this and may not feel as alone. A 2 line facebook post doesn’t tell a story but someone can. This post is meant for the person who is trying to “walk it off” or “suck it up.” The person trying to justify their emotions as “hanger” or “just another college temper tantrum” because those reasons are cute. Those reasons don’t raise questions. Those reasons make you “normal.”

I will claim a lot of labels. Depressed is not one of them.

Proverbs 22 The Right Circle Part 1

As I scroll through my Facebook, I glance at the various accomplishments that my peers from Villanova University have achieved since I left my junior year. One person I enjoy following is a man named Kevin Monangai. He was in my graduating class. He also played football for Villanova University. We are not close. We were just two wildcats who rolled in similar circles.

So why would I follow someone I am not that close with? Well if you do not know Villanova University, it is known for basketball and at the time I was a student, the football team struggled. Yet, Kevin constantly posted about the strength of his team and his Nova pride. After graduating he posted about being scouted for the NFL. Because Villanova is not known for football, you wouldn’t think someone coming from a small team would even think about going pro. Yet, this man worked hard and is now with the Philly Eagles.

I don’t know if Kevin thinks of his story as an underdog story, but following his posts, that’s what I see as someone who sees herself as an underdog. His success continues to inspire to continue my goal in being an elite runner and using where I came from in terms of athleticism as motivation.

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So that was a long introduction to a simple verse. As I scrolled through my timeline I came across a post from Kevin Monangai with the verse Proverbs 22:29 “Seest thou a man diligent in his business? he shall stand before kings; he shall not stand before mean men.”

I read the rest of Proverbs 22 to get some context and see the general theme. I want to focus on for this post with my track mind is to make sure you avoid the wrong people, and in track you meet a lot of “mean men.” These people will discourage you, sabotage your work and drag your name through the mud.

Proverbs 22 names some of those people. Verse 10 mentions the scoffer or mocker. In track there is always someone who got something to say. No matter how hard you work or how great you improve, there will be someone who say you won’t improve or you are foolish for thinking differently from them. You can fight all you want and drive yourself mad trying to prove yourself to a scoffer but a scoffer is going to find something to scoff. It is 2016, perfect time to do some soul cleaning and rid yourself of negative energy. Wasting your time fighting with someone who doesn’t value your hard work doesn’t benefit you. In track, I learn to very politely ignore certain people and move on.

Verse 13 mentions the lazy man. My one track mind thinks of the lazy person as someone who accepts defeat. While the scoffer weigh you down with insults. The lazy man weighs you down by making you willing to accept what life has given you. Staying stagnant is just as bad as moving backwards. In track, when you work hard, you improve. When you improve, your goals change. Do not let laziness and discouragement stop you from achieving your goals. Track is a trying sport and a sport that you can’t rely on the efforts of others. Laziness always shows at some point.

Verse 14 talks about an adulterous woman. Lets talk about adulterers male and female. Man! Sex or passionate infatuation or just the general desire to be loved by anyone can drive anyone up and down the walls and more dangerously, off track from your goals. Sometimes it’s another person who drags you down by first building your ego while tearing down your morals or making you forget your goals. Many times you are your own adulterer. Yes I just went there. Yes, you can cheat on your goals and morals. My high school summer coach tells me “track is a jealous sport.” You got to give it your all. Getting caught with brief moments of satisfaction will make your goals seem that much further. I cheated on my goals with someone I liked. I’ll talk more about this man in future posts, but there were too many times I chose laying next to him over going to church or doing proper rehab. The sad thing was, he wasn’t willing to give up the same amount of time for me.

We like to think we are immune to negative people, but the truth of the matter is we are human and the desire to get or give human attention causes us to forget our immunity. It’s just important to avoid being with people who make you feel bad about your ambitions and yourself. As you find yourself being more successful, your circle will shrink. It’s cliche to say but so accurate. Be confident in your gifts and the vision God has given you for your future.