You Can Have Your Identity Back

As I always say, I am all about dreams and dream interpretations. Dreams have meanings that, especially when repeated, are worth reading into most times. This dream that I had during my nap in the indoor track facility last week has led me to make yet another life changing decision.

If you have not read my beach post, I will summarize. During this spring break, the track team went to the beach where I met with them because I could not travel with them because I am not on the team. On the beach I had a revelation that I was alone and needed to change my life. Since then I gradually became angrier and quickly lost my motivation to run. I was not running well in practice and I was crying before during and after every workout. One day, I curled into a ball on the high jump mat that is placed against the wall in the indoor track facility at UConn and this is where I had a dream.

I was driving this white car with a black grill on this two lane highway and was just at the top of a hill. I don’t know how but I suddenly found myself standing on the side of the road but my car was still in drive and rolled full speed down this large two way street where at the end I knew there was an intersection. Because this car was a rental I immediately started to panic wondering how would I be able to pay for any accident damages that is going to happen. I walk down this hill and see an accident at the intersection where the two cars that collided were covered. I looked underneath both covers and realized neither of these cars were my white car. I go to a small shed to the side of the intersection and asked these two men if they have my car. They first pull out a small, and I mean toy size small, grey older car to see if I’d claim it. They showed me other small size cars but none of them were my new white car with the large black front.

Apparently I was going somewhere specific and needed to get there soon. I go to this gorgeous black woman. She must have been about 30 years old. Skin glowing. Hair was slicked back into a long pony tail. She was friendly and so confident riding a four wheel motorcycle . I got on this bike with this gorgeous woman and we drove. Our first stop was a colorful but clearly old day care.

I guess this woman had a daughter. We get there and I see my former sprint coach, Coach T, playing with some little girl, about 5 or 6 years old. She runs past me and looks at me like I knew her. I knew her too but I didn’t know how so all I could do was awkwardly pat this girl on the head. She turns to me and says “I don’t like when you do that.” I reach down to give her a hug instead when she runs to another room in the day care with those small tables that barely go up to your shins because they were clearly meant for small children. There, she spoke to pretty 30 lady. The woman tells her “I think you should focus on track and school.” The little girl was actually reluctant because she wanted to dance but the woman insisted this girl focused on track.

The little girl sulked and grabbed her red umbrella and was preparing to leave with me and the pretty woman by getting her lunchbox and backpack. Then, and older white woman, whom I’m guessing is the one in charge of this day care, tells me she cannot leave unless I have a group a of 8 people.

Fast forward to outside the front of the day, we are clearly kidnapping two or three older people and putting them in the back of the trunk of this older, maybe early 2000s or late 1990s, car which was clearly also stolen (dream-me is so badass). Somehow this was approved and the dream ends with me and my sprint coach in the back seat of this car with this little girl in the back with us and this pretty woman looking in the rear view mirror at the three of us. I would say this was the end of the dream but something in my dream made a surprise appearance in my life which made all the difference.

 

Now To Real Life:

Where to begin!? For the images in my dream, I hyperlinked them to dream meanings found on my favorite site, dreammoods. But this dream led me to make the decision to train with my sprint coach, Coach Terrelonge. Prior to this dream, I had numerous dreams with various symbols indicating I needed change and it was coming soon. I did not know what change was coming until this recent dream. It was a lot of debating. There were many benefits to training for the 800 with Coach Clark, but my heart told me something needed to change and I started with coaching. Why coaching? I was closer to Coach T. Despite not training with him, he was a comforting person to be around which after my beach experience, I realized is what I needed.

Is basing such a career changing decision off a dream wise? It is incredibly risky and not recommended. However, I believe I am moving in the right direction. The next week after this dream, Monday April 4 was the day I told Coach Clark that I wanted to train with Coach T. It was the same day I brought my blue Nissan Rogue to a body shop to get its bumper fixed. Because it would take a couple of days to fix, I needed a rental (I wonder who sees where this is going yet). I waited for the rental to come, Enterprise was about ten minutes late but I’m over it, and of course what drives up to the front of the body shop was a 2015 white toyota corolla with a black front.

This was the car I was looking for in my dream. If you did not read the link meaning to dreams about cars, this one I will remind you. Cars are symbolic of your identity. To lose your car or have it drive away is a way to say you are losing your identity. Prior to this decision, I felt lost. I didn’t believe I could qualify for the Olympics. I didn’t have a goal in track and I almost wanted to quit. I was also mentally and emotionally exhausted from people telling me the time span of my track career, what I should be doing instead of track, my talent level and so on. I knew changing coaches in the middle of the track season during Olympic year was a crazy decision but it was MY decision. Making this decision based on what I believe is the right choice for me and not the one that would get the most approval was me making a step to take back my identity.

Driving around in that 2015 white toyota corolla felt like God telling me, “you can have your identity back.”

 

 

It Ended at the Beach

March 10th 2016 to March 20th 2016 changed something for me. This was the time I spent in Florida for Spring Break. Now when you think of spring break for a 21 year old, you think drinks, sexy dresses, late nights and other shenanigans.
No. I went for 2 reasons: to train and to go to the beach. I have no idea why I was obsessed with going to the beach but I had to go. It was a mission. I thought I went for selfies but I found more.

Before I talk about my beach mission, let’s talk about spring break as a whole. It consisted of the first 5 days training on my own. I stayed with family to save money and went wherever I could find an open space to do my workouts. Who would’ve thought Florida the land of runners would have few rubber tracks? March 15th was when the UCONN women track and field team came to Orlando to train and compete for the remainder of spring break. This remaining five days consisted of long days of driving 40 minutes to the UCF track (with minute toll breaks in between) to meet the team to train. But seriously, why are there so many damn tolls in Florida. Then I drive to Better Everyday Performance (shout out to an amazing group there) to lift. Then I come back to my aunts house where I stayed during break to squeeze some homework in then wake up and do it again. It was a little annoying but not too bad. I got used to the routine.

Something about me changed March 17th when we went to the beach. Actually the team went to the beach and I scrambled to meet up with them. I was so excited to go to the beach but no one would tell me when or where they were going until the day of. That alone almost ruined my day. Then I find out they chose a beach that was an hour and a half from my aunts house. Of course it wasn’t intentional but in my mind it felt that they were just trying to make things harder for me. To add salt to the wound, I asked Chanelle Price, the world champion who trained with my coach, how she was getting to the beach and she told me she was already at their hotel and was going to ride with them. That set me off. I thought to myself here I am scrambling to get my money together to rent a car to drive here and there because I was told by my coach that I wasn’t allowed to ride with the team because I wasn’t on the team anymore yet Chanelle was out here taking team pictures at the hotel and beach. I was so pissed and hurt I cried in my bed and almost didn’t go.

An hour later, I realized I earned this trip. After all the money I spent to get plane tickets and tolls and car rentals, dammit I was going to the damn beach.


I put on the sexy bikini I bought from Victorias Secret and some tan short shorts and hopped in my rented Kia Rio and drove. Occasionally I played music and other times I just thought to myself. When I made it to the beach, I parked the Kia in some lot for 5 dollars and walked towards the sand and waves. Of course the first thing I see is Chanelle just hanging with her friend on the team. I never thought I was the jealous type but that made me jealous. Her sort of weightless happiness. I was trying so hard to BE a part of something that she just seemed to ease into with the help of coach. Of course jealousy is dangerous as it makes you see and believe things that aren’t always real. This is why I didn’t dwell too much on her.


Instead I walked towards the beach where I saw a group of the track girls eating at the restaurant by the beach. I walked now on the sand and headed towards the water where I found the girls in their cliques either tanning or taking sea selfies. Of course if I’m going to rock Victoria Secret I’m taking selfies. I headed to the water, took a couple group photos for other girls then had two of the girls take photos of me fake smiling and posing like a Maxim covergirl. Afterwards I realized in the midst of rushing to meet with the team, my phone battery was about to die. So a trip that should’ve been more about hanging out on the beach became a journey to find an outlet.
I found one in an icy shop where I sat for 30 minutes. Then went back to the sand where I just looked out to the beach.
Here’s the revelation. From the time I got to the beach to the time the team left without saying a goodbye or see you later I was alone. As the girls walked or laid around in their cliques I realized I was alone. There wasn’t a lot of girls I was close to. You would’ve thought by now I’d realized this but it wasn’t until I sat on that beach understanding what it is like to not have a team anymore. Something ended that day on the beach. Today, as I write this, I am still not fully sure what ended but I haven’t been the same since then I dreamed of dead bodies and ghosts which were symbolic of something inside of me that died according to Dreammoods. However, with death comes new life and with new life comes change so this is a time for change.


I know something must change in my life but I don’t know what. All I can do for now is keep running and training until I can see this stale and stagnant moment to the end. There are still some things that I should’ve left at the beach and let the waves take those deep emotions or fears or repressed thoughts wash away that linger. I can only pray and trust God has given me the right signs and wisdom to make the right decision for myself.